I was reading this article about sexual innuendo in the Bible. It claims that the word "testify" is from the Latin "testis", which apparently means both "witness" and "testes". And, get this! When you would testify in old times, you would do so by swearing an oath while grabbing the testicle of another. LOL Old Times! Although I must admit that if someone grabbed me by the balls and swore something, I'd be inclined to believe them.

Saw a pickup truck this morning with the bumper sticker "I (heart) MY WIFE"

My mom is delaying her flight back a few days. Her brother is inexplicably doing better.

Usually my mom takes my kids 8 hours a week. I have no back up plan when she does not.

My mom got on a plane Saturday. Her brother has been on a Six Month Egg Timer of Death for the past 18 months, but this week his physical health deteriorated to the point where people have stopped voicing wishes that he will pull through and have started saying that death will be a blessing*.

I am very sad for my uncle, and for my mom. Her parents are dead and have been since I was a kid. This brother is so much older than my mom that he practically helped raise her. When she was making plans to leave on Thursday, she had that look around the eyes people get when they realize they are about to become the oldest living generation.

My nightmares are out of control this week. Last night, I was chased through an post-apocalyptic-university-campus-cum-jungle by dinosaurs. Angry, angry dinosaurs. With pinchy dagger claws. They stalked me to a defunct football stadium. I ducked into a public bathroom and ended up hiding a baby I had with me inside one of those metal paper towel dispensers. In my dream, I felt pretty clever, like the baby was in a little suit of armor or something. Take that, dinosaurs!

It has been raining like piss on a flat rock. And blowing like gas out a cow's ass. And any other disgusting visual you care to throw in there to illustrate that it has been storming like a mutha. fucka. the past few days.

The last two mornings, my 4-year-old has totally panicked that the trees were going to fall over. I got where she was coming from, as the trees were whipping this way and that, all frenetic.

Oh internet. The gifts you bring me.



Here's the link to Jennifer Love Hewitt talking about her disco ball labia. I think it probably looks like this shoe.

I've been reading a lot of New Year's Resolutions. Deep, good, insightful, moving resolutions. You guys are awesome thoughtful.

I'm going to be honest here and say my only resolution is to get my own Wikipedia page* in at least one of my aliases (aliaii?). Realistically, I'll probably have to actually do something to get it, damnit. But it sounds so shiny and cool! Want me some redunckulous ego gratification.

Back in December, for my birthday/Christmas gift, my mom bought me a pair of jeans. Size 6!!! I mention the size to balance out the first part of the story, in which I am 35 and my mommy still dresses me.

Apparently it is the season to leave drunk-sounding, inappropriate commentary on blogs. I know, because I've been doing it. Wheee!

Back when I used to drink and blog, this season would come around, and I'd leave a shitload of off-brand commentary Friday night, cringe the next morning, and the world seemed to have some sort of justness and order. Shameful, shameful order.

Yeah, this whole post makes me feel like I'm in this Seinfeld Clip. Enjoy!

It is raining here, and we just got back from vacation, and my husband is working, so today I took the kids to the grocery store to pick up cake mix and sprinkles and such. I figured I'd bake a cake, let them decorate it, and my birthday present would be (aside from a cake covered in Swedish fish, marshmallows, kid boogers and sprinkles) a half an hour on a rainy day in which the kids were entertaining themselves. Also, since my hair is still falling out (postpartum) I picked up some drain-o for the bathroom sink.

You know where this is going, right?